


now that's a party

by Ive_never_read_fluff



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Bad Decisions, Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Deceit | Janus Sanders Needs a Hug, Fucked Up, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Health Issues, Morally Neutral Deceit | Janus Sanders, Sad Ending, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:20:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28068444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_never_read_fluff/pseuds/Ive_never_read_fluff
Summary: Suicide was his revenge, and fuck, he's always been good at getting back at people.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 20





	now that's a party

**Author's Note:**

> EXTRA TWS: ÕVËRDŌSÉ AS A SUICIDE ATTEMPT, CUTTING/ SELF-HARM AS A SUICIDE ATTEMPT, EXTREMELY TOXIC MINDSET/THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS, ROMANTICIZATION OF SELF-HARM/OVERDOSE/SUICIDE/AND BAD THOUGHT PATTERNS, IMPLIED MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH (but you could choose to pretend like he's still alive, the attempt failed or he got saved if you really want to)
> 
> READ THOSE TAGS AS WELL AS THE EXTRA ONES, I WILL HOLD YOU AT NERF GUN GUNPOINT UNTIL YOU MAKE SURE THIS WONT BE BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH /hj
> 
> inform me if there's more <3

_**a revenge party** _

He was determined.

He would get back at them.

This would help him.

With this, he could free himself, and get revenge on the people who made him feel that way.

This was also a revenge at life and the universe itself.

It put Janus into this word, and despite his attempts, wouldn't let him leave.

But this time he was ready.

He was prepared, and he had everything he needed.

_**a party that ends**_

_**with somebody's head on a spike** _

This time, he could rest assure it'd work.

He had back up if it didn't.

He was taking all the precautions.

Preparing for everything; it had to work.

It had to be perfect.

He _wasn't_ going to come out of this alive.

This was it -- he'd finally secure freedom for himself, and he could take revenge while doing so.

This was better than he ever could've hoped.

_**it's a revenge party** _

_**with your two best friends** _

Janus let himself soak in the knowledge that he'd actually get this, and get back at those assholes in the process.

But he didn't dally, because he much rather wanted to soak it something else.

Namely -- his own blood.

He'd brought his two best friends with him, and they would be the first part of this plan.

He grabbed his favored one first, slicing into his scarred skin and watching as the blood seemed to storm out.

Eventually, he'd switch to his other one, and quickly finding the things he could do with it.

He watched the yellow bubble up with a great deal of twisted satisfaction.

Step one was complete.

_**it's like a party with revenge is what it's like** _

He could feel the giddiness boiled over already.

The anticipation might kill him before he can kill himself.

This would be amazing.

He barely felt the sting of his split-open arms as he lifted his arms and unscrewed the child-proof cap, albeit taking longer than he was proud of.

As the pills went down his throat, he could feel the shame and sadness washing down and growing more distant and dulled each passing second.

There was only enough room for the pride and sense of accomplishment.

He's on his way.

He's so close to being free, and god damn he's going to get there.

Janus wondered how he got so lucky -- freedom _and_ revenge? 

That's more than he could've ever hoped for his suicide.

_**for this to work, you have to pretend like you still like [this] - can you do it?** _

He could feel the effects of the cuts and he could tell that the overdose would be following suit. 

He felt very light-headed, but he needed to take more precautions because to hell with him if he only passed out and didn't die.

The pills seemed to sit uncomfortably in his stomach his throat had the phantom feel of those large pills he'd taken.

He felt good about this so far.

Everything was going exactly as planned.

Janus almost had the decency to feel disgusted at the excitement that built up in his chest.

He'd never cared about those strict 'rights and wrongs' or that firm moral righteousness that his co-worker, Patton, always talked about -- why start now, at the end? 

Much like him living, there was no point in doing so.

The prospect of this being 'the end' sent way to many good chemicals through his brain.

_**it's a revenge party** _

This was making him too.. glad? 

Is that the word? 

Well, not like it matters anymore.. 

Anyway, he was lead to believe that because of the aspect of revenge rooted within this attempt, it was responsible for this emotions.

All the other times, it'd be mostly rooted in freedom, and while that gave him the utmost comfort and solidarity, it was never like this before.

He'd barely had the thought that this could be his revenge not more than a few days ago.

Ever since then, he knew what he'd do.

He'd get his revenge.

**_a party that ends_ **

**_with eggshells all over the wall_ **

Janus wasn't one to feel happy, good emotions, but this.. 

He distantly thinks that he doesn't deserve the joy he's getting out of this, but this is his first 'party', so to speak, and he won't allow himself to be a party-pooper this time around.

No, this time, he could fully leech off of the sweet feeling of hopelessness that washed over him in waves.

Hopelessness was never a bad thing for Janus.

He welcomed it, and he would soak in the tangy-bittersweetness of the feeling of being completely hopeless and just.. the promise that if he gave in, it'd be easier.

It'd be rewarding.

It's exactly what he wants.

Snapping out of his thoughts for a moment, he wondered if this would be enough.

Should he do something else?

Should he cut more, take another bottle of pills?

Didn't he hear somewhere that cough-syrup could do the job, or was that alcohol and the syrup mixed together?

Well, he didn't have any alcohol on hand.

The cough-syrup could hurt, right? 

He was in his bathroom, so the medicine cabinet was right there.

Actually, screw that -- what if the pills he'd downed wasn't enough? 

' _Just to be safe_ ,' he told himself, as he knocked down the bottles of random pills, getting blood all over the counter and making his cabinet a mess.

Some cough-syrup and two bottles of pills later, and his vision is spotted and he can't balance for shit.

**_it's a revenge party with your two best friends_ **

He keeps vomiting all over the place, and his stomach racks with waves of nausea and the feeling of puking up pills and stomach acid, seeing as he hadn't ate anything for a few days ( _he'd heard pills on an empty stomach would work best_ ).

Janus never liked puking.

It always brought tears upon tears, and especially when it's just stomach acid.

His body shook with sobs, but the inner excitement was barely touched and just a little bit dulled.

Even if he was shaking and crying and gasping for breath and wanting to scream..

Because that just meant that he was getting closer and closer to his goal.

And he doesn't know if he can fully blame the overdoses when he threw up this time.

Overdose and slitting had always been his preferred way to go.

He'd always known that he'd go either of those ways, too.

Sometimes he thought that he'd use both, just to be sure.

And he was right.

He'd tried overdose twice before, and never tried slitting his wrist as a _suicide_ attempt, but there's been a couple times where he went in with the intention of committing.

Both methods felt like old friends.

When they came together again, it was bittersweet.

But the joy would always outweigh it.

_**and i end up [dead] when [it's done]** _

**Author's Note:**

> the urge to put ':)' or '😌💅' or '😘/😍' or any of the sort after these lines is insane (༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ)
> 
> the 'mental health issues' tag after 'suicide' and 'self-harm' be like: 😃? oh really? never would've guessed 👍 /s
> 
> now that that's over i gotta say -- please don't do what janus did. if you so much as think of hurting yourself, please don't, and you deserve help. if you haven't started, please don't start. if you've already started, please, you deserve to get help and to get better. if you're.. like me, then please, get help, and it's okay if you're not ready to get better yet -- just try to hold on, okay? reach out, someone will love you and be there for you, even if it's a crisis line person. yes, it's their job, but that doesn't mean they don't care -- they work there BECAUSE they care. please. 
> 
> distractions from self-harm that i recommend:  
> content://com.android.chrome.FileProvider/downloads/Alternatives%20to%20Self-Harm%20%E2%80%94%20Project%20LETS.mhtml
> 
> text crisis line (a crisis is determined by your emotions, not how "big" or "small" the problem is, and you can reach out whenever): https://www.crisistextline.org/
> 
> national suicide hotline (you don't have to be on the edge of suicide to call, you don't have to be "bad enough" until you call): https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
> 
> warm lines (to just talk, less of in the moment help for suicide but it still helps): https://www.mhselfhelp.org/warmlines and https://beconnectedaz.org/resources/247-warm-line-peer-support
> 
> if your a redditor there's r/suicidewatch which isn't great for in the moment but can still help
> 
> coping with suicidal thoughts (i think it's worth a read): https://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/are-you-feeling-suicidal.htm
> 
> most of these are in the us as far as i know, so if you're not in the us and want resources, just let me know what state or whatever you live in and i'll search up stuff for you. if your scared about it showing up in your history or your phone is controlled by your parents, tell me what you need and i'll try my best to get it to you. i know i can't help, but i hope by giving you these it can be a start? i love each and every one of you. please try to stay. <3 /g.


End file.
